Heatlhy Lifestyle

So...my whole life I have struggled with accepting my body. I was never thin, usually on the larger, heavier side growing up. I was always one of the bigger girls....I wore the larger sized clothes...had thunder thighs from day one.

As I grew older and had children, the weight gain increased...sometimes drastically, up and down...up and down.

I am an emotional eater, and when stress levels are high, calorie intake is high too.
During my separation and early part of the divorce, stress levels were very high, however, I was also on the prowl for a new mate. So, I could get by with eating less, and being more active.

Now that I have decided not to be on the prowl....have found myself unemployed and home all day...I have guickly increased the calorie intake and avoided any exercise. Comfort food is in abundance, and I have no desire to resist it.

Ho hum....here I go again. Clothing is tighter, knees are hurting, I feel awkward and ugly.

I decided today to stop wallowing in my pain, stop being a lazy ass and make myself feel better by taking care of ME.

I know my kids are embarassed that I look the way I do. I have read it in one daughter's diary, heard it from one son, been told by my ex that he is getting compliments on how good he and his girlfriend look --size wise-- together and told I was so comfy like a pillow by another child. Uh...I am not ok with being "like a pillow."

So...I start all over again. Today is the day! I walked this morning for abot 20 minutes--not high intensity, pretty low intensity...but it was a start to getting active. I finally plugged in my Wii Active, and started a 30 day challenge. It was a 24 minute workout in the comfort of my home, using resitance bands, jogging in place, and lunges, etc. I have to admit I was skeptical at first, but I sweated! I really was pretty damp which must not be too hard for an inactive, overweight body. I loved the avatar personal trainer with her great encouraging phrases!
So...I may even work out again this evening.

Can I keep this up? Well...I really do want to feel better about myself. I need some endorphins keeping me upbeat. I am not getting any younger, prettier or thinner by just feeling sorry for myself.

I owe it to myself, and my kids--especially my daughters, who still need a role model.

Dear Lord, Please keep me motivated to finish this new adventure strong. Help me not to feel deprived, and to make it a top priority daily.

Amen

So he's getting remarried!

Dec 4th, 2009
That's the date. My kids will have a step mom. I get very confused about this. First, I will admit...I was very jealous when I first found out. Jealous that he found love and happiness so quickly. (I mean...he knew her BEFORE we divorced! Scared also. Scared that my kids will pick her over me--like her better than me--

Who am I kidding...my 18 yr old daughter already did just that. They are "friends". The step mom has all kinds of "Suzie homemaker" skills that I don't have. She bakes, cooks, cans, sews, stamps...uh...I know there is more...and that is so cool--seriously! My girls can learn a lot from her. She is a Christian...(Uh huhmm...) and I don't judge that--I am grateful for that. It could be a whole lot worse!

The thing (none of my business--I KNOW) is that...why would this woman want to get married to HIM??? I mean..He is definitely getting the better bargain! He has mountains of debt, no credit, never owned a home, bad relationship history, 4 kids (two who were suicidal--one with many issues) an ex wife, co parenting issues, financial poverty, dreams of becoming famous, oh..wait...I better stop--wouldn't want to expose him.

I honestly don't understand what makes two people think they are ready for marriage, after both going through a divorce themselves...one just over a year ago. I for one would never want to risk jumping into something so soon--Marriage?? Obligations haven't been met, responsibilities haven't been taken care of...

I hope they are getting counseling...re-marriage counseling...I only care because this affects me--will affect my kids---

Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages...how does one get off thinking they have made huge changes in their life to be ready for this?

Like I said...it's none of my business...

Ch ch ch ch changes....

So it is now 6 mos later. Update:
I had to move back to California to become my parents' caregiver. Dad is on hospice and mom has breast cancer/slight dementia, etc.
My ex moved back too. Oldest son is away at Bible college in Michigan. Oldest daughter stayed in Az to continue school, work and become a small group leaser of 6th grade girls at our old church.

My 15 yr old son lives with his dad still. They moved in with my ex's parents. Into the house that belonged to us for almost 7 years.

My youngest, Sara, remains with me. I am homeschooling her again, as we take 6 mos to a year off to figure out our next move.

My parents' are doing well. After a few 911 calls and some health scares, I am greatful that neither of them are bedridden, and can handle their own toileting. I am definitely not cut out to be a nurse...so when the time comes that I can no longer handle it, we will have to make some major decisions.

I have given up on online dating. I find that it is really a booty call...that the men are basically losers, or liars. Maybe it is my bad luck, karma, or my unconscious law of attraction...whatever.

My focus now has to be on Sara and on improving myself--mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

My ex announced that he is marrying his girlfriend on Dec.4th. While this caused initial alarm, shock and jealousy, I am getting used to the idea. My good friends have convinced me that no one will be a replacement for a real, biological mom. I don't know this woman personally, but she appears to care about my kids and has been generous to them on their birthdays/holidays. She claims to be a Christian. It could be worse.

So, I decided to go into therapy again. I don't feel whole or confident. I am no good to anyone else until I have healed.

My oldest daughter still struggles to be around me for more than a small amount of time, and my youngest daughter is caught in the middle. She has been so loving and strong, but that isn't lasting and she fell apart the other day. Counseling for her too.

Oh Lord...please help me to be strong. To not burden my children with emotional breakdowns. To put their delicate feelings on my radar. To find confidence, happiness and strength...to live for you Lord.
Amen

What happened the last three years?

I forgot all about this blog. Wow. Three years ago. So much has happened. So much has changed.

Little did I know that I would lose my three older children—that they would flee the nest- so to speak. Little did I know that my most important job on Earth would almost end.

I guess I just thought life would go on. That things would get better. I just needed patience. More time.

But it didn’t get better. I had no more patience. Time had run out. And I needed to live.

Yes—I had been dying a slow death. My heart hardened. My soul crushed. My dreams a sick joke.

I am not alone. Women in their 40’s find out their husbands have lied to them every day. Husbands who cheated. I am now one of those women who I stared at in my 20’s while I sat in Bible studies, who were recently divorced.
Women whose husbands left them for younger, more exciting, more fit women. “That will never happen to me…” I used to think. How naïve.

But to have my children choose him over me…? Something I could never have imagined. Never in my worst nightmares could I think I wouldn't have my children.

There are women who walk away from unhappy marriages. But without their children? My children were my reason to live. My children were my life’s goal. My purpose. My being—-my soul.

And two years later, I still want to shrivel up and die. But I have to pretend. I have to be strong. I have Sara still. Or do I?

I'm moving...

I'm posting on a new site for the time being. You can find me at
http://homeschoolblogger.com/lovkds/
Thanks for reading!

Happy New Year!

Relief and eargerness is how I describe my feelings right now! I withdrew Chris from middle school. He was under so much stess and pressure. OK, I was under so much stress and pressure. He really wanted to be homeschooled again, and looking back over the last semester at all the difficulties he had, it just made sense.

Yesterday he went along with Sara and I to P.E. I think he’ll want to join and there were so many boys, that he’ll be able to make some friends.

I have his schedule all worked out and curriculum too. I can’t wait for Monday. I’m looking forward to the structure and organization again.

Now my homeschool “classroom” is complete.

Here We Go Again

Well here we are, a month later and things have changed once again. Just when you think things will be fine, something else comes up.

If a child with ADHD is doing fine, and then problems arise, how do we as parents know what course of action to take? Does his dosage need to be adjusted? Is he punished for impulsivity, and to what extent? Do we offer rewards, and privileges, for all areas or only certain areas? What kind of discipline is logical? The list of questions and insecurities that we parents face goes on and on.

Parenting a child with ADHD is such a very hard job. It is never black and white. Circumstances arise constantly where we have to make our best decisions. It’s not easy to know what the best thing is. We make mistakes. It’s very frustrating.

We have to advocate for our kids as well as teach them right from wrong. With ADHD kids, teaching them right from wrong is an every day thing—sometimes repeating what you think they’ve already learned over and over. Maybe one day it will click and stick like glue. Who knows?

Christopher has lost a privilege that was very important to him. It almost seems like he has given up. “Why should I try when I can’t have_________?” (The only thing that matters to him.) He doesn’t get that over time he can earn it back. Of course consequences result from actions. He does get that. He just doesn’t want to accept it.

It’s a daily battle. Just when you think it’s going to all be ok, something happens. Don’t let your guard down. There is no break when parenting an ADHD kid. You have to be on top of situations constantly. Predict outcomes and times of stress. Don’t take the calm for granted, I have learned.